Who defines your self-worth?

In a world as shallow as ours, it might sometimes be difficult to determine where your motivations or aspirations to be something are originated in. There is a lot of pressure that comes from the society that we live in, and even more from the beauty standards that have formed when the world has constantly been changing and shifting- resulting in the fact that if you want to feel like you are something, you have to be everything. By this I mean, that the world nowadays is diverse and full of opportunities, and it makes it very difficult to choose a path. So the question becomes, who do you want to please, and who do you let define yourself?

I believe each and every one of us would love to answer this question with "me", but I certainly doubt that it's the truth. I don't think of myself as a person who does what others pressure to, but still I find myself thinking about that pressure a lot. I don't feel the need to fit in anyone else's idea of perfect, because how could I? Everyone has a different kind of perfect. So I believe it's about pleasing others that makes me even worry about the subject.

And it's not a bad thing to try to please people. Or is it? I tried it, a long time ago, because I was too afraid to be myself in the fear of getting rejected. I was shy and scared, and it wasn't that easy to make good friends back then. So I did what people wanted me to, but in the process I lost myself. I started feeling like I was worth nothing, and couldn't tell who treated me wrong and who treated me right.

Rising from that pit was even harder than I would've guessed: people had learned I come second and that my opinions or feelings didn't matter, and very often I got confused if I actually wanted to do something for me, or just to please others. I lost myself, again.

It was hard work. I had to be honest not just to myself but others, too. I had to start talking about my feelings (gosh, how hard that was!) and I had to make a stand for myself so many uncomfortable and tormenting times. And at first it got me to the wrong direction. I became something else, wildly talkative and very stubborn. I felt, that since I'd never had my own way, I wanted it all the time now. So it took some time to find my own way, to think for myself but not push it on others.

I made it, and nowadays my only problem is that I actually feel bad about not doing things the way others want me to. I feel awful about taking my own time when I'm tired and someone asks me to help with something. I feel even worse when some people don't like me, even though I genuinely would like to get to know the person better, and honestly feel like we could hit it off.

I decided, that I am the only one who could define me, and there was no one who should have the power to stomp me down. And still, I find myself thinking about it sometimes, feeling bad for who I'm letting myself be because of what others think. But I shouldn't. I should please the people who deserve it, the people who I love. But even then, none of these people define me. I do.

So people, choose your own way, do what you love and not what you feel like you have to, just don't hurt anyone in the process. And more importantly: don't let the world define you. Do it yourself, and be proud of what you are.

Buffy & elämä

Katselen tässä pitkästä aikaa Buffy vampyyrintappajaa, ja nyt hokaan miten se yrittää puhua teinitytön elämästä! Sun täytyy selvitä koulusta ja ihmissuhteista ja samalla taistella sun omia demoneita (vampyyrit+muu paha sarjassa) vastaan. Vanhemmille ei voi kertoa kaikkea (vampyyrintappamisesta) joten sulla on ystävät joihin tukeudut ja jotka tietää susta kaiken.

Ihastut pari kertaa johonkin perusjamppaan mutta mistään ei tunnu tulevan mitään, ja sen jälkeen tulee se ensirakkaus. Se on niin ihanaa, mahtavaa ja täydellistä ja sulle itselle täysi mysteeri ensi alkuun, kunnes päätät antaa ja pojasta tulee yhtäkkiä ilkeä ja täysin erilainen kuin aiemmin. (Angel menettäessään sielunsa)

Joudut taistelemaan että selviät tästä tilanteesta ja saat tapettua sen vihan ja katkeruuden sun sisältä (Angelin sarjassa), minkä jälkeen voit vihdoin antaa anteeksi. Kun anteeksi on annettu, voi normaali yhteiselo alkaa rinta rinnan ja elämä jatkuu. Jossain vaiheessa itekin hokaat että joidenkin ihmisten kanssa ei vaan sovi yhteen vaikka se niin täydelliseltä on tuntunukin.

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HERRANJUMALA mikä valaistuminen oikeesti. Ei se ihmekään että sarja iski teinityttöihin ympäri maailman. RELATE.

It's been a while ja itkui

No moro! It's been a while. :)

Elämä on ollut sellaista häslinkiä viime aikoina että on ollut vaikea ajatellakaan mitään blogin kirjoittamista. Tänään kuitenkin heräsi taas suuret tunteet ja olihan niistä nyt taas päästävä jauhamaan.

Päätin tirauttaa muutaman onnen kyyneleen tuossa eilen jo ensin kun tasa-arvoinen avioliittolaki pääsi jatkokäsittelyyn. Aivan uskomattoman hienoa että Suomi ei jää tässä asiassa enää takapajulaksi vaan osoittaa suvaitsevaisuutta ja kasvamista. Jokaisen rakkaus on samanarvoinen!

Sen lisäksi kun odottelin tänään bussia Karhulassa töistä päästessäni, päätin tirauttaa muutaman kyyneleen lisää. Puolustaudun: olo ei ollut mikään huikea muutenkaan, oon hieman kipeenä, ressiä on ollut paljon ja mieskin on ollut viikon teillä tiettymättömillä ja se on ollu aivan kamalaa, joten olin vähän herkällä fiiliksellä liikenteessä!

Kuitenkin, kyseisellä bussipysäkillä seisoskeli 70-80-vuotias pariskunta. Juttelivat toisilleen, naureskelivat toistensa jutuille, halailivat ja suukottelivat, pitivät toisistaan kiinni ettei tulisi kylmä. Ja mulle tuli sellanen olo, että se joka ei halua elämältään tota, on sekasin.

Pohdin siinä tilanteessa, että pelkästään se, että näkee nuorien pariskuntien käyttäytyvän noin on hyvin harvinaista nykypäivänä, Saati sitten se, että henkilöt jotka oletettavasti ovat katselleet toisiaan jo useita vuosia, ehkä jopa kymmeniä, ovat edelleen yhtä kiintyneitä toisiinsa, eivätkä toistensa läsnäollessa tunnu edes näkevän mitä ympäröivässä maailmassa tapahtuu. Noh, taistelin viimeiseen asti mutta pian oli pakko hymy naamalla kääntyä poispäin koska kyyneleet alko virtaamaan liiankin urakalla näinkin pienestä asiasta.

Kun pääsin kotiin, laitoin ensimmäisenä Spotifysta soimaan mun itse kasaamat Unconditional Love ja All the Right Words -listat ja jatkoin huoletta nyyhkyttämistä. Sen jälkeen olikin pakko tulla jakamaan tänne tätä samaa aivan uskomattoman ihanaa ja samalla niin haikeeta fiilistä. Oikeesti. Osottakaa nyt hyvät ihmiset sitä rakkauttanne.

Mulla on viime aikoina itselläni ollu sellanen tunne, että maailmassa on vaan yks asia mitä edes näen, ja niin sekopäiseksi kun se ihmisen ajoittain tekeekin, se on samalla uskomattominta ikinä. Mulla on jatkuvasti sellainen selittämätön rauhan ja varmuuden tunne mitä en oo koskaan aiemmin kokenu, ja maailma pyörii ympärillä eikä mulla oo siitä mitään hajuakaan. Aion myös pitää huolen että tän fiiliksen kohteena oleva ihminen on siitä täysin selvillä, koska tällaiset jutut on vaan jotain niin arvokasta!

Tässä vielä pätkä joka kuvaa niin täysin sen kaiken mitä todistin tänään siellä kylmällä bussipysäkillä, ja miltä maailma näyttää mulle joka päivä :) Ja pari biisiäkin vielä! Nyt on ällöä! Tätäkö se ikävä teettää...?

Ja sit voitte tsekkailla vielä nää jos haluatte lisää ällölöllöbiisejä.

http://crazydancecalledlife.blogspot.fi/2014/09/beautiful-thoughts.html

http://crazydancecalledlife.blogspot.fi/2014/08/allololloilyy-ja-biisei.html

Beautiful thoughts

I finally found something to write about in my 100th post (wow!) and it's because a lot has been on my mind lately. Usually when I'm thinking about some serious stuff I ease it all by listening to music, and here those songs fit perfectly to the subject!

Anyway, the thing that has been on my mind is a beautiful and important subject. It's mostly about love towards anything or anyone, and can be described only as the beauty of caring.

All of us have heard the lyrics to that one song that hit us deep at some point of our lives. All of us have (hopefully) had the tingling sensation of hearing something so beautiful that it goes right to your stomach. Well, I've been thinking about the importance of those words and those actions in everyday life, and how big of an impression they leave on a person.

See, I've always been the kind of a person who values romance and beauty beyond naive. I very much still do, but I've (thank god) come to terms with the idea that the actual fairytale that I've been searching for doesn't exist. Still, I seem to live in my own little world of romance and wonders and sometimes it hurts to see how cruel and rough this world can be.

"The world is no longer a romantic place.
Some of its people still are, however,
and therein lies the promise.

Don't let the world win." 
-John Cage, Ally McBeal

So I dream. I dream about finding those people in this world who appreciate and love me for who I am, unconditionally and throughout. Those, who value each thought and are there to talk some sense into me when my world is falling apart. Those, who can tell me to shut up and I know I really should listen. I dream of a love that overcomes all obsticles, that sees every imperfection perfectly and that makes you go crazy as hell sometimes. Something that is so beautiful that there are no words to describe it, and something that makes you miss it every second that it's away with every fiber of your being.

Unfortunately these things are hard to find. Sometimes I feel alone thinking this way, and most of the time seeing everything so beautifully and missing something so badly makes me seem insane to others. Usually in romantic relationships I end up being the one who cares more, and it's not something you should wish for, even though the greatest moments of it can make you so high you're not sure you're ever coming down.

I love it, really. It makes me go crazy sometimes, it makes me appear dramatic to others, but the feeling you get from those great moments, when you momentarily think you're exactly where you should be, or everything around you appears to you so beautiful it makes you want to cry, it's worth all that. My deep emotions and all the beauty I've seen or heard have made me appreciate everything more, and to hope and to dream, sometimes even beyond rationality. And all that will remain with me, in my memories all my life.

So I'll keep dreaming. I'll keep dreaming the world would be just a little more softer on people. That the love people feel would be extraordinary and always kind. That people would find their other halves, those who they just know are their own pieces of perfect and show it to them every day for the rest of their lives. I hope everyone finds those friends who stick with you through thick and thin, and nothing can ever come between that special bond you have, not other people, not time, not money, not anything.  Keep dreaming, keep seeing beauty all around and treat people like they deserve to be treated. I beg of you, please, make this world just a little bit more of caring.

Sway

Löysin taas huikeen biisin, se on niin vanha mutta niiiin hyvä. Tuassa! 

Hei koht on muuten sata kirjotusta täynnä! Huh :o

Don't stray,
Don't ever go away.
I should be much too smart for this,
You know it gets the better of me.
Sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you,
Pull me out in time,
Don't let me drown.

Let me down.
I say it's all because of you.

And here I go
Losing my control,
I'm practicing your name
So I can say it
To your face. It doesn't
Seem right
To look you in the eye,
Let all the things
You mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth,
Indeed it's time,
Tell you why
I say it's
Infinitely true.

Say you'll stay,
Don't come and go
Like you do.
Sway my way,
Yeah I need to know
All about you.

And there's no cure,
And no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out.
Instilling so much doubt,
It makes me so tired.
I feel so uninspired.
My head is battling with my heart,
My logic has been torn apart
And now,
It all turns sour.
Come sweeten
Every afternoon.

Say you'll stay,
Don't come and go
Like you do.
Sway my way,
Yeah I need to know
All about you.

Say you'll stay,
Don't come and go
Like you do.
Sway my way,
Yeah I need to know
All about you.

It's all because of you.
It's all because of you.

Now it all turns sour,
Come sweeten
Every afternoon.
It's time,
Tell you why
I say it's
Infinitely true.

Say you'll stay,
Don't come and go
Like you do.
Sway my way,
Yeah I need to know
All about you.

Say you'll stay,
Don't come and go
Like you do.
Sway my way,
Yeah I need to know
All about you.

It's all because of you.
It's all because of you.
It's all because of you.